Comotose Canines And Cat Food

Over time, I've come to realize that "inside dogs" are more like pieces of furniture than anything else. "Inside dogs" are often part of decorating schemes, so when purchasing a new puppy, don't forget to make sure its fur color coordinates with your walls. Dogs who live inside usually prefer laundry heaps over leaf piles, and seem to enter a comatose state while sprawled in front of a fire. The only way to get this sort of dog out of this sort of state is to follow a certain procedure. First, get up from whatever you're doing-and call the animal's name. In our case we would say "Lucy," but "Loose key," or "Loose bee," works just fine. The typical animal will not distinguish the difference.
    The animal will usually get up, but if it doesn't, repeat the name variations over again. And over again. Until you realize you have better things to do than summon a vegetated beast.
    My last piece of advice always works- bring out the dog treats. We have long, crumbly dog-jerky pieces in our cupboard that look like large wooden chewing-gum sticks. Just what we humans needed- gum that makes us smell like we've been surviving on a diet of O Boy! Oberto beef jerky. (Just thinking of that name makes me angry that companies have the nerve to insert exclamation marks in their brand names.) I have never tasted a piece of dog-jerky and will not be sampling such, uh, food anytime soon. I admit I tried to eat a piece of cat food when I was seven, but I lacked the courage to bite down on the hard little morsel. I am mortally afraid that when I was seven I might have also tried to drink out of my cat's water bowl- but I'm hoping this thought is merely a product of my imagination.
     A few years ago I was informed by my grandfather (who successfully ate a piece of cat food) that Ol' Roy brand of dog food makes a remarkably fine meal. Better than cat food, I guess. But at least cat food has a nice little crunch, an unexpected bit of pizazz-unlike soupy servings of Ol' Roy. I suppose this is why my sister, at age two, became addicted to Friskie's Ocean Fish flavor cat food. She rarely finished her treat-I still remember the running feet, the chipmunk cheeks, and the slightly wet and slimy cat food spewed out on the ground. I find it impressive that she actually had the gumption to consume that stuff.

Were you a former cat food addict? Tell me about it. I'd love to hear. Really.