Friday, March 12, 2010

Goats- or "I Hope I Can Go To Sleep Tonight"

[Note: All following photos were taken last summer. They ended up in a rather alarming Facebook album, but never made it to my blog. So I'm using them now.]

OK. I have a confession to make.

I think I may have a phobia.

I don't have "Russophobia," which is the phobia of Russians. (Sarah Palin taught me what to do if they show up at my back door.)

I don't have "Automatonophobia-" the phobia of wax statues. (I am only mildly put-off by them. I wouldn't be scared unless I found a life-sized wax figure of al-Gaddafi in my bedroom closet on a dark and stormy night.)

And I definitely do not have "Papaphobia," which is a fear of the Pope.

But I do have a phobia....

I fear intoxicated goats. Last summer I visited a little commercial farm and saw...


"Hello, my name is Archibald."
[Lesson #999: Don't show up at Alcoholic Goats Anonymous hungover. This message brought to you by Mothers Against Drunk Dromedaries. Due the the benevolence of these kind ladies, the program has been extended to help care for goats, as well as camels.]

Some goats aren't necessarily scary, they're just plain homely. Like the one above. There is the slight possibility that you might find it lovely, charming, or just plain "caayuuute-" but I trust you side with the 99% percent of the population who thinks this animal needs...something (What that something is I don't know).

I think there is a very good reason why Red Bulls are Red Bulls and not Red Goats. It's just a slight suspicion, of course.

Figure 4: the Mephistophelean goat. "ICH WERDE SIE ESSEN!"

I know for certain that the phobia of birds is called "Ornithophobia." Why do we have a name for the fear of small feathered animals if we don't have one for the fear of large, hairy, uncouth beasts?

My piano teacher once had a friend who lived in mortal fear of birds. She once had the terrifying experience of witnessing a bird slam into her windshield.
Just think how would she have felt if a herd of goats had cavorted around her car before crushing the hood- just like the hooligans did to European cars back in '80s when the French won the World Cup? This my friends, is a great question- and one that must be answered.

These photos may be from last summer, but there are many goats who roam the face of this earth striking terror into the hearts of children (and adults) everywhere. Don't say I didn't warn you.


Anonymous said...

This is hilarious....:))))


Meg said...

Oh-so-clever, and uber-hilarious! I love your writing... and by the way, where did you learn to speak German? HUH?!?!?


hehehe. this is hysterical. confession: i have a fear of guitars. no joke. ;)

musicmaiden said...

That is so funny! I've had experiences with goats before ... they definitely have issues. :P

I'm enjoying your blog - have a great day!